Is it sometimes better to not tell others how I feel?

4 min read

I can be one of those people who blurts out her feelings. It’s not necessarily even entirely spontaneous though.

Particularly with those I have deep feelings for, I may consider that it might be best to ‘sit with’ my feelings, and perhaps even keep it that way. On the other hand I also have some strong values around honesty and authenticity. Along with that I have an intense fear of rejection. Part of me wants to say nothing, because doing so might trigger a seemingly inevitable rejection. Another part of me struggles so much with not knowing if I might be rejected, or when it will come, that I may end up doing something, usually saying something, that could trigger that rejection. Then there is my heart, my love, and my also intense desire to be loved.

All of this, and more, can result in terrible internal conflict.

The repercussions of me revealing how I feel about another person, may result in some worse scenarios.

There’s a reason I’m writing this now, because at present, I feel selfish and irresponsible for telling someone who I have intense feelings for, that I still have those feelings. I say “still” because we were once Partners. We split up but really without full closure, at least for me (and it was me that effectively ended the relationship). We stopped seeing each other completely (she moved away, I was isolated), I went through a period of sadness and grief, I missed her deeply. Then I moved to the same city she had, and we ended up in touch again, and we started spending time with each other, as friends.

I thought that me getting out of the situation I was in, and socialising more, would help because I wouldn’t be placing so much on one person. I think it did help a bit too.

Things got messy, well, I got messy, inside. I knew I’d be like this though. I really tried to balance my feelings, to be in the moment with whatever the relationship had become. I told myself that I’d do the best I could, that there’s nothing wrong, we are enjoying each other’s company, so it should all be fine.

It seems my heart wasn’t about to let things go. Perhaps for a few months, I struggled with myself, well, it was a cycle. Sometimes I’d be fine, I was distracted a lot. Then I’d see her again, and my intense feelings would start to overwhelm me. At one point, we went to an event together, and then for a drink, it was really nice. She left, and I sat on my own and burst into tears. It’s like falling in love then feeling heartbroken again, repeatedly, within a short space of time.

Here’s the thing: I have trauma. I was abandoned more than once as a child. I have what is called Borderline Personality Disorder, really, perhaps more aptly, it’s an Attachment Disorder. I am emotionally unstable. It’s not just a matter of the quick changes in mood, it’s that I can feel my emotions very intensely. I love to feel love. I love being in love with someone. It’s terrifying!

Wait, what? Yes, loving someone, for me, can be both wonderful and very scary. It’s wonderful because, well, it’s love. The deep care and affection, and the passion I feel for someone else, is intensely beautiful.

I cannot, and do not expect anyone else to feel that about me though. Actually, that would be extra scary. I think possibly because I am afraid they will ‘realise’ what I’m really like, and then be disappointed, and leave me. However, my ‘need’ to feel love, seems to win over my need to have my love accepted, every time. The person I am in love with, may accept my love, or even love me back, but in my head, I may still feel rejected, or about to be rejected.

I think I’ve probably written more than enough to show something of what it’s like for me.

So there I am, going through this turmoil, and few people, know it’s happening, because through all of it, I am a formidable survivor, and it seems, I am a far better performer, an actor in life, than I realised.

It is entirely possible that most people see me as being strong, confident, well balanced. I have had incidents and comments in my life that tell me this is case too. Recently I was walking along, playing my mandolin, and a woman stopped me to compliment me. We chatted for a while. Before we parted ways, she complimented me on being so strong, striding along being confident. This isn’t unusual, and every time it happens it like the person is describing someone completely different. This then makes me feel even more lonely, because I, the person I really feel like inside, am not truly seen.

When it comes to some close relationships, I feel like a massive walking, talking red flag. Though it’s the talking that gets me into most trouble.

I have done lots of intensive therapy, probably more than most. I am very emotionally aware, and smart, but that doesn’t always help.

Very importantly here though, is that this isn’t just about me. My needs don’t outweigh the needs of others.

My ex didn’t realise I still had these intense feelings for her until my feeling overwhelmed by those feelings, got the better of me, and I blurted something out. I suddenly put that on her, and some may even consider it a good thing that I let it out. I’m really not so sure though. Perhaps I should have kept going, working on myself, sitting with my feelings (not wallowing in them though), finding ways to balance myself. This is probably the key to most of my issues too: parenting myself.

My inner child feels love, and wants to feel loved. I cannot expect anyone other than me to provide that. I have lost all of my parents, all of the most stable relationships in my life. My inner parent has been long absent, sometimes she’s around, like when I go shopping and talk myself through things.

I am also an Adult though. Maybe it’s time I took responsibility for myself, and if I truly love someone, I don’t know if it’s right for me to hand them my intense feelings.

Then again, this feels really harsh on myself. Perhaps I’m trying to Rescue myself though, instead of supporting and empowering myself.

I don’t have the answers right now, but what I do know is I feel exhausted. I feel ‘too much’, and that I’d be better off keeping my feelings more guarded, or even not getting too close to anyone again.

Same old story huh.