Boundaries & 'Zip Theory;

2 min read

The above image is a graphical representation of our boundaries using something called “Zip Theory”. The image shows 3 circles representing parts of ourselves. Those 3 circles are zipped up together. The zipper represents our boundaries (or it could be a specific boundary). There are 2 zippers, one facing inwards, towards us, which we can easily reach, the other facing outward, which others can reach.

The basic point here, is that we need our zipper to be facing inwards so that we have control of our own boundaries.

Zip Theory isn’t really a theory but just a means of helping understand our boundaries and how to control them healthily. It separates who we are into 3 categories:

Intellectual Self

Our capacity to think for ourselves, to have our own mind.

Our Intellectual Self could become compromised in certain situations. For example, if someone tries to Rescue us (which is a drama triangle role) we may fall into the Victim role, feel powerless, and allow others to make decisions for us. In some situations we may want someone to make decisions for us, but crucially in those situations we must still give proper consent, and its temporary, done with negotiation, and confined to a safe space so that we still retain control of our boundaries.

Physical Self

Our capacity to protect and look after our own body. Bodily autonomy.

Really I hope this goes without saying, but people doing things to us, physically, without real consent, is wrong. Some people might like actually being zipped up, which is of course, totally fine, but there must still be initial control over the physical boundary through negotiation and consent, and control over that boundary throughout, through constant checking and communication.

Emotional Self

Our capacity to experience and manage our emotions.

It’s possible for another person to manipulate us emotionally. Similar to having someone do something to our physical self, we may also, for example, want someone to make us feel scared. Again, this is fine, so long as we hold power over our emotional self, through our boundaries, through negotiation, consent, review, and communication.

Look after your boundaries!

While feeling vulnerable can be horrible, our vulnerability is not a weakness, awareness of our vulnerability, and our capacity to protect our boundaries, is a strength.

Sometimes we may feel vulnerable, and it can be tempting to completely let go and trust someone else with ourselves, to not seriously harm us against our consent, but we must still retain control over our boundaries.

We need good structure, communication, negotiation, enthusiastic consent, awareness of our boundaries (and the boundaries of others), in order to create a safe space for us, particularly when engaging in risky activities. Really it’s not just about the times we are engaging in those activities though, its about our relationships with people around us in general, or the groups we are part of even when not engaging in those activities. All of it matters.

Even seemingly small interactions matter. Practicing holding our boundaries in every day life, makes us stronger, gives us power.

Practice self care by looking after your boundaries. Be aware of other people’s boundaries. Your boundaries are a crucial part of your power, you deserve power, even if you are submissive. Being submissive is not about letting someone completely control you.

Keep your zipper on the inside, it’s yours and yours only to have control over. Always.